Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
