oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
