this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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