I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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