I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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