This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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