hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
