who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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