you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
