i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
