my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
