living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
