wakey wakey hands off snakey
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
