I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
