i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
