Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
