Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
