I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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