saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize