Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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