Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well you can't waste a boner
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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