dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
