I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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