A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just cropdusted the office
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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