Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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