I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
