My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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