come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
