I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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