she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I need to stop coming to work sober
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
