I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
