Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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