you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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