you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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