If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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