So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
