i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
