Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
