god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
