Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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