please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
