It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
