apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
