woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize