well I can't set my house on fire every night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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