i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
now i know why i became what i already was.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
