Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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