she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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