im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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