Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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