Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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