How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
