"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
