i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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