I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Are my feet made of real feet?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Still dying that you shit outside
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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