I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
