What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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