he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
