I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
