Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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