I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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