i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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