Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
